Once upon a time...
I was born into a mormon family.
Mormonism was just the way of life.
All was well.
I was on the path, doing all that I was supposed to do.
Checking all the boxes.
I was living and loving it.
Shelving any and all issues that I wondered about.
Until one day those questions & doubts became too many.
I had to figure this puzzle out.
If the church was true, it would all be okay.
I finally gave myself permission to look into things.
I hungered and thirst after the truth.
The usual, "it will all work itself out" was no longer cutting it.
I read book after book after book.
I secretly joined forums and online groups.
I discovered a world of people who were wondering and searching too.
Just. Like. Me.
My shelf came crashing down.
All of it. Fast.
I looked around at my life.
Most all of my friends and family are members.
Who do I talk to?
Who do I tell?
I just became one of those apostates you hear talked about at church.
But I am a good person.
I did nothing wrong.
I actually wanted to prove the church was true.
The realization is overwhelming.
I feel alone.
I feel different.
I wish I could take the blue pill and just go back to how it was.
Maybe ignorance is bliss?
How am I going to tell my spouse?
How am I going to tell my mom?
How am I going to tell my kids?
How am I going to tell my best friend?
That I don't believe, any of it.
I poured myself (not so secretly) into online groups and forums full of people like me,
All trying to make this all make sense.
I get angry.
I feel betrayed.
I made ALL of my life decisions around the one true church.
I free fall for a bit.
I try to keep it it, until I can't.
I start thinking for myself.
Truly for the fist time in my life I see there are a million different ways to live life, not just one TRUE way.
I get the courage to say something.
My family and friends tell me I am wrong and that I will be back.
They don't believe me.
I feel marginalized.
I feel sad and depressed.
But, I know no matter the outcome I have to keep walking this path.
No matter what.
I may lose relationships.
I learn some relationships were conditional.
Some people walk away.
I walk away.
I know that I am finding a new way to be.
It is hard.
But I am strong.
I keep going.
I am finding my new voice.
I feel a freedom I have never felt before.
I find an inner strength I didn't know I had.
I create new friendships.
I find a way to make my new life work.
Come what may.
I've stepped into the new me and I am thankful, truly grateful for my faith crisis.
My new voice is emerging and I feel good in my own skin.
I feel like I am going to be okay better than okay.
Life is good, even if it is messy.
*not to be reproduced or used without permission by me.