I don’t always understand these feelings. I don’t know where to put them when they wash over me. Because mostly these days I am thankful for my new found life view. I am clear and open to life. I have excitement that I never had before. I am thankful for my open mind. My less judgmental ways. I love that I look at people with a inquisitiveness that I never had before. I love that I learn from people who in my previous life I would have judged and felt like they just don’t know the “truth”.

But on the days when the reality of my choices smacks me in the face, I feel a sorrow, a pain, a mourning. A big void. Hurt and tears. Lots of tears.

It is hard to explain what happens when your WHOLE life changes, so completely.

It happened to me Saturday night as my sons birthday party was coming to an end. We were leaving the Jumping/Play place and heading home for pizza and ice-cream cake. I had a car full of boys and my ex husband. Suddenly everyone mentioned that they had to get home for Priesthood Session*.

For some reason having to deal with this little issue (on my son’s birthday) really hit me hard. So naturally, I dropped everyone off and away they went. Off to Priesthood. I went home ready to eat my left over Cafe Rio Chicken Salad when I get a text from my son, letting me know that he left his new sweatshirt at the place we had his party and could I go pick it up. So, yes, I did. Got back in the car, drove the 10 miles or so back to the place, picked up his sweatshirt (that thankfully was still there) and headed home. Kind of. I chose a different route home ~ thinking I would stop at the mall and do a little shopping. I drove by about 3 Mormon churches on my way from the Play Place to the mall in the space of about 2 miles. Lining the streets were men in white shirts and ties headed into the churches to attend Priesthood Session. It hit me then and there. My quarterly breakdown in relation to my loss of faith. Seeing the traditional pilgrimage this particular day sent me into a tail spin. Seeing the tradition of that event that had occurred in my life for as long as I could remember, overwhelmed me. Seeing all the men filing into the churches just really hit me hard. I knew at that moment my boys and their father along with their grandfather were doing the same thing. Bonding together with a faithful tradition.

I am no longer a part of that world. A choice I made and feel good about. But every so often the sense of tradition and loss of tradition washes over me. That life that I was once a part of continues on, without me. My children are still a part of it. My ex husband is still a part of it. All of my family is still a part of it.

It is odd to be such an outsider even when I know all the insider stuff.  I wish that my loved ones wondered enough about the decision I made to sit down and ask me why I made the decision to leave the church. I wish they thought that maybe I had good reason and I wish they wanted to know why and how I came to that decision.

The decision to leave my childhood faith was not an easy decision to make and I did not make it flippantly.

Instead of being asked “why” I left, I was told by a several people that I was wrong and that I would be back. When those words were said to me, on several occasions, I knew then and there that it would never really matter what I said about why I left. My whole heartfelt journey was just being washed away by those words. Because of that I have spent the past few years just keeping those thoughts to myself. Not feeling like my “why” mattered. Well, I can’t think that way any longer. I am not trying to take down the church. I am not trying to make anyone change how they view religion and change their ways. I do know that we each come to our own “why” at different times.

But what I have learned from all of this is to stop and listen when someone has something heartfelt to say. To not take lightly the thoughts and feelings of someone going through such a change. I love my family and friends still in the church. I do not judge them for being members. I actually really do understand why they believe the way they believe. They are happy and that in turn makes me happy.

I guess I am still going through my own journey and I just need to give myself permission to have those moments of breakdown. It is hard when it happens but I am thankful to feel those feelings. They remind me I am human and that I feel deeply. That I care and that I do not take lightly the powerful reasons and feelings that I have. I know I am experiencing this part of my life’s journey for a reason. I am open and willing to continue on this path. I would not change my life’s experiences. I hold them near and dear to my heart. Even my life before my paradigm shift. They all contribute to who I am.

Much Love,

~Amy, your Soul Searching Girl

*every six months the LDS church has what is called General Conference. The Prophet and leaders of the church speak to the members of the church at a series of meetings held over a 2 day period. Saturday evening a meeting just for the men in the church 12 years and older is held.